


5 Times Gavin Wanted to Hurt Himself, and One Time He Didn’t

by Jillybeanjoy



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Healing, M/M, Self Harm, Suicide Attempt, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-01-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:41:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22125778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jillybeanjoy/pseuds/Jillybeanjoy
Summary: Gavin struggles with self harm and suicidal thoughts, but his new partner Nines helps him through it.
Relationships: Upgraded Connor | RK900/Gavin Reed
Comments: 22
Kudos: 218
Collections: Reed900WinterGiftExchange19





	5 Times Gavin Wanted to Hurt Himself, and One Time He Didn’t

**Author's Note:**

> This is a gift piece for the Reed900 Winter Gift Exchange to minasnorma! Hope you like it!

#  One.

Ever since high school, it's been a constant, recurring thought in the back of Gavin Reeds mind. Any time he was overwhelmed with a negative emotion, be it anger, fear, grief, the thought came. All he had to do was bleed, break the skin, and the emotion would flow out and it would become manageable. He didn’t need to die. He just needed to bleed. 

When he was properly medicated and dealt properly with his stress, it didn’t stop, but he was able to ignore it easily. But of course because he’s Gavin fucking Reed, he’s not always medicated or dealing with stress properly. 

The first time he saw RK900 walking into Fowler’s office with Connor he mumbled “Just kill me now” in exaggeration, but when Fowler then called _him_ in… When Fowler told him this was his new _partner_ …

Gavin Reed does not deal with such situations well. 

He was fucking pissed. How could they partner him with that _thing_? Not only was it a fucking android, which he had made his views on very clear, but it was an android that looked just like Connor. Except taller and with cold blue eyes. 

He knows with the revolution that they were _people_ now or whatever. But, come on, this had to be, like, a conflict of interest. How was he supposed to work with something that his _brother_ fucking created? Wouldn’t that be like getting partnered with a nephew you didn’t like? 

Okay, maybe that was a stretch. There was no way he was this thing’s _uncle_. But still. It was the principle of the thing. He shouldn’t have to work with his brothers science fair project as his partner. 

Point was he was _pissed_ . He was drowning in anger. There was too much built up inside him and if he didn’t get it _out of him_ he was going to explode. 

There was too much of it. 

But he knew what he could do to get it out.

He needed to bleed. 

So he picked a fight with the giant tin can, who easily pinned him to the ground. When he was finally let free he sulked out of the office and went to his desk, plopping into his chair. 

The android followed him and found him mumbling to himself as he snapped a rubber band on his wrist repeatedly. An old technique a therapist taught him years ago. Do it hard enough and enough times with his eyes closed and he could almost pretend the sting was from a blade instead of the burn of a rubber band. “91… 82… 73… 64…”

“Detective…” the android started.

Gavin raised a hand and shushed the android without opening his eyes. “55” _snap._ “46” _snap._ “37” _snap._ “28” _snap._ “19” _snap_ “10” _snap. “_ 1”

The detective heaved a huge sigh then, stood up and without a word grabbed his leather jacket, gun, and badge and left for the crime scene. An unfortunate shadow following him. 

————-

#  Two.

Three months into their partnership Gavin was chasing a perp while the RK900 waited on the other end of an abandoned alleyway out by the docks and warehouses. They had him trapped. That is, they would have. Except the moment the perp saw RK900 he turned tail and took his chances with Gavin instead. 

There was a small scuffle and Gavin hit his head against a brick wall, giving the perp just enough chance to escape. The second the perp was out of sight Gavin lost it. 

He threw garbage cans. _Failure._

He punched the wall. _Mistake._

He kicked an abandoned car. _Good-for-nothing slimeball._

He was choking on it. The anger, the self-hatred, the disappointment. He needed blood. If it couldn’t be the perps, it would have to be his own. He kept hitting the wall of and over again, his knuckles taking damage. 

_Piece of trash._

_Rat Bastard._

Then he felt a pair of arms pull him away from the wall from behind. Gavin tried to maintain his composure. So far the android had only seen him have a temper tantrum. Nothing new there. He had to rein it in before it became worse. 

But his huffs of air from the overexertion soon turned to the short breaths of hyperventilation.

Still holding the man against his chest the android spoke softly, it was the most gentle Gavin had ever heard his partner. “Detective, you need to breathe. Breathe slowly, inhale…. now exhale… come on, breathe with me.” The android simulated breathing even though he didn’t have to in order to help the detective. 

He couldn’t catch his breath. All his extremities were tingling and his head was light. He was going to die. He had to bleed. It was the only thing that would calm him down. It was the only thing he could do to survive. He struggled against the android with all his strength, yelling out incoherently, but Nines never even budged. 

His air was running out. He was getting desperate so he stopped struggling and started begging between gasps. “Please… R… RK… Nine… Nine…. Nine…. Nines.”

It was at that point that he fell limp and the RK900 laid him gently on the grass. He scanned the human for vital signs, but it seemed once unconscious, he went to a healthier breathing pattern and his heart rate slowed down significantly. The android combed his fingers through the unconscious man’s hair, grinning to himself as he mumbled “Nines.”

————-

#  Three.

Surprisingly Nines didn’t tell anyone about Gavin’s little breakdown. It didn’t go in the report. No one started making fun of him for it. The robot never even mentioned it aside from stating that his name was Nines now. 

Well that was fine. If the robot wasn’t going to mention it neither was Gavin. So he went along with his business as if nothing happened. 

Until a couple of months later. 

The whole precinct was busy because an anti-android hate group had turned into a terrorist group. Everyone was terrified, bomb threats were being called everywhere, and manpower was spread thin. 

So it took longer than it should to realize Gavin was quickly running out of his daily medications. Then when he realized it, every shift he worked started before the pharmacy opened and ended after it closed. 

Which left Gavin without his meds. 

Usually everyone other than his partner tried to avoid Gavin, but on day two without his medication he was the one avoiding them. His heart rate was spiking at the most minor of things, he kept jumping at every little noise in the bullpen, and he was endlessly clicking in his pen. _Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click._

Finally he had enough and went to the archive room so he could have some peace and quiet. He walked in and entered his password to reveal the evidence of his most recent case. Three mangled android corpses hung on the wall, and on the shelves in the middle was the murder weapon, a large kitchen knife sitting among other evidence. 

_Just take it._ Gavin shook his head, trying to push the intrusive thought away. _Just take it. You need to bleed. You need the pain. You need it. Just take it._

“Shut up.” He muttered to himself. He went here to get some quiet. Why is it everywhere he goes he can never get some god damn quiet?! 

_Take it. You need it. Take it._

_Take it._

_Take it._

_Take…_

“Detective Reed?” 

Gavin jumped at the sound, spinning to face where it came from. His partner looked at him with his steel blue eyes, very obviously analyzing him. “What do you want, Tin-Can?” He snapped.

The androids eyebrows furrowed slightly, his LED spinning yellow, yellow, yellow, blue. 

“Detective, you are in need of your medication.” He stated. 

See, that’s why nobody fucking liked androids. The thing probably just scanned him and was able to creepily tell the chemical makeup of his blood or some shit or hacked into Gavin private medical and pharmaceutical records to see he had refilled his prescription. 

“Fuck you.” Gavin spat. He shoulder checked the android as he walked out but Nines grabbed him by the arm, stopping him. His LED spun yellow again. “What the fuck do you want you overglorified roomba?”

His LED returned to blue. “We have just received a case and are needed on scene.” The android stated. “It is in capitol plaza. Isn’t your pharmacy there? We can pick up what you need on the way.” 

Gavin glared daggers at him. “I don’t need you to take care of me.” 

Nines shrugged and let go of the detective’s arm. “Of course not, Detective.” 

The second Gavin’s arm was free he stormed out of the room, out of the precinct, his shadow following him into his police cruiser. They drove in silence to Capitol Plaza, Gavin fighting every reflex to just swerve the car into oncoming traffic, and Nines waited for him outside the pharmacy before they went to the crime scene without a word. 

—————————-

#  Four.

There once was a time that Gavin loved running after perps. The thrill of the chase. The adrenaline rushing through his veins. 

But God damn it he was getting old. He wasn’t even in bad shape, but android perps were just impossibly fast and had unthinkable stamina. 

He could barely see Nines in front of him, right on the heels of their current suspect as they raced up a flight of stairs and, of course, to the roof. 

Gavin flung the door open, trying to catch up even knowing it was impossible. The second the door opened a gunshot went off. Gavin flinched, screwing his eyes shut and waited for the pain… But it never came. 

He looked just in time to see the perp jumping off the building to the next one a good ten feet separating them. Then he looked down. 

Nines was in front of him on the ground, thirium pouring out of the gunshot wound in his head. He couldn’t even see his LED. “Nines? Nines!” He yelled at the android as he fell to the ground but Nines didn’t respond. He couldn’t bring himself to touch him. He grabbed his walkie talkie and called in a emergency technician but he knew it was no use. 

He was dead. 

Gavin had killed him. 

He did this. This was his fault. If he had been faster, if he hadn’t run in blindly, if he had taken the bullet like he was supposed to instead of Nines jumping in front of him…

He had killed Nines. Nines was dead because of him. It was his fault. It was his fault. It was…

Gavin didn’t realize he had stood up, had taken steps to the edge of the building, was looking over the ledge until he heard a static filled “Gavin” from behind him. 

He looked behind him to Nines, who was staring at him with wide eyes. All thoughts of jumping were pushed away as he rushed to Nines’ side and waited for help to come. 

————-

#  Five.

Things were getting better. He didn’t pretend to hate his partner anymore. In fact, Gavin and Nines were actually becoming _friends_ . Baby steps. And he actually felt _good_ for once. Felt _right._ For the first time in a long time he wasn’t overwhelmed by one negative emotion after another. He was enjoying his day off, and was happy. 

So, of course, his own mind had to ruin it. _Yeah, you’re happy_ _now._ _How long until you’re miserable again?_ His eyes flicked to his duty belt sitting on his coffee table. To his service weapon. _How long until that gun is in your mouth?_

Gavin knocked over his coffee table, trying to get away from it. No. No! He wouldn’t. Things were good. Things were fine. He didn’t want to _die_. He didn’t want to die. 

With the thud of the coffee table falling over, Gavin fell on his ass as his front door swung open to reveal Nines standing in the doorway. Gavin’s mind was racing, going thought to thought a million miles a minute. 

“Gavin, are you okay?” Nines scanned him but other than elevated heart rate and blood pressure couldn’t find anything physically wrong with him. 

“Get it away from me!” He screamed, trying to back up further but being stopped by the wall. 

Nines looked around the room but couldn’t find what was upsetting Gavin so much. “Get what away, Gavin? What’s wrong?” 

Gavin pointed across the room and Nines followed his line of sight to Gavin’s work belt with his taser, his pepper spray, and his service weapon, all on the floor next to the overturned coffee table. Nines put himself between Gavin and his belt. “Gavin, look at me. Talk to me.” 

Gavin fell into Nines’ chest, surprising the android. He was sobbing. “I don’t want to die. I don’t want to kill myself.” 

Nines held Gavin’s face in his hands, forcing him to make eye contact, “Then don’t.” 

Gavin tried to push Nines away but couldn’t make him budge. “But I will anyway. You don’t understand!” 

“Gavin!” Nines’ voice was like a whip and made Gavin look at him. Nines temporarily let go of Gavin’s face to tap on the “RK900” on the chest of his jacket. “Look right here,” he said as he put his hand back to holding Gavin’s face. “Look at my shirt. Feel my hands on your face.” 

Gavin subconsciously tried to look away, toward the gun and Nines snapped his attention back again. “Gavin. You and me, we’re all that exists. My shirt is all you see. My hands are all you feel. Do you understand me?” 

Gavin dutifully looked where Nines pointed earlier and nodded, his eyes brimming with tears. “My hand and my shirt. That’s all there is.” Nines repeated. Gavin nodded again, not taking his eyes off the perfect lettering on Nines’ jacket. 

Gavin had no clue how long they were on the floor for. Every time his attention shifted, his heart rate accelerated, Nines would tell him to look at his shirt or feel his hand until he eventually calmed down enough that Nines felt it was safe to put him to bed. 

Before Nines walked out of the room, Gavin grabbed him by the wrist. “How did you know?” He asks quietly. 

Nines’ LED went yellow before he was able to process what Gavin meant. “I didn’t. We were called out to a scene and I knew you wouldn’t answer your phone on your day off so I came to collect you.” 

“I’m sorry,” Gavin croaked out, not looking at him anymore. 

Nines cupped Gavin’s cheek in his hand. “I’m not. I’m glad I was here,” he said simply before walking out and shutting the door behind him. Nines’ stayed that night watching the gun like it was going to get up on two legs and walk to Gavin if he didn’t. 

And he stayed the night after. 

And the night after that.

————-

#  One.

Gavin lay on his couch, his back against Nines’ bare chest. Fingers intertwined as they watched a movie. Without any prompting that Nines could think of Gavin looked up and asked him, “Hey, babe, what day is it?” 

“September 9th, why?” Nines asked, planting a kiss on the top of Gavin’s head. 

Gavin let out a breath, almost like a laugh. “238 days.” 

Nines furrowed his brows in confusion. Even accessing his memory he couldn’t find anything special about that day. It was just a normal day. “238 days what, darling?” 

“238 days since I last wanted to hurt myself.” Gavin whispered the words before kissing Nines’ hands. “I just… never thought I’d make it this far.” 

Nines allowed a sad smile as he looked at Gavin, laying in his lap comfortably, his scars finally starting to fade, ring across his finger. “I’m really glad you did.” 


End file.
